What do you do when you fall in love with someone who is a world away? Someone who is living such a different life from you, so much so that you can't even imagine it, can't wrap your mind around it. But, you have a connection, a friendship, a desire, a longing...for him...even though he is so very far away. Not necessarily geographically. Not yet, anyway. But, in life. What you are ready for, he is not yet ready for. What you want, he is probably not yet ready to give. But you made a connection, you felt something, you still feel it...you feel it even more now because with time....feelings grow, unless they fade away. But, for now, they are growing...even though he is a world away.
You are a hopeless romantic, searching for, and hoping to find, The One. You know it can't be just any ordinary One...it has to be someone...something...that is extra-ordinary, extraordinary. For you there can be no ordinary love...it has to be dramatic, passionate, gripping, forbidden, unfathomable, almost impossible. You are a drama queen. Do you always just want what you can't have? Does having your heart enraptured with an impossibility just keep you safe? Safe from getting hurt again because, in your mind, you know this can't really happen for real. Or can it? Either way, you choose to live in your heart, your mind always takes a back seat...in your heart anything is possible, in your heart you don't have to close the door on him or on the possibility of "Us"...in your heart that connection, that infatuation, that lust, that love can conquer all...in the heart of a hopeless romantic.
He is on a path that is going to take him far, far away from you. You want to take him home with you and keep him there forever, in the safety of your arms, to hold him and love him and protect him...to smother him with kisses and all the love you've saved up inside...everything you've been holding, guarding, protecting....while waiting for the right One. And when you weren't expecting it, you came upon him, however briefly, and you can't let him go, don't want to let him go...instead, you want to give him your heart, give him all of you, because...you think he deserves it...you adore him, you care about him, you're proud of him, you're worried for him. So what do you do when the man who has captured your heart is living a world away?
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
I'm A Model Now, And It's Super!
Last night one of my dreams came true...I became a model! And I don't mean just the poses that I do in the various mirrors all around my apartment. It was in an actual studio, with a photographer, special lights and wardrobe changes. I recently met the photographer at a party, where he complimented me on my teeth and told me I should be a tooth model. I couldn't have agreed more! I told him to set up the shoot and I'd be there.
Not quite sure why I showed up with ten different outfits since he was supposed to be photographing my teeth, but I figured this was my shot and I was gonna take it!
I had no idea what I was doing, but I was in my glory...twirling, smiling, posing, vamping. It wasn't so easy doing it for the camera...since I'm so used to doing that in front of my multiple mirrors...or any mirror that I come across, really...and my family and friends...and whoever else might be caught in the line of fire of The Face.
It quickly became clear to me that my wardrobe choices were horrifically sub-par. I was in desperate need of a stylist, and hair and make-up gurus...but all I had was my Momager with me...always there to serve and protect, but she wasn't earning the ten percent of nothing that I'm paying her. If she doesn't step up her game on the next shoot, I may have to go all Kim Kardashian on her ass and fire her.
I was running out of viable wardrobe options when suddenly the photograher suggested I try on a tiny leather jacket, probably about two sizes too small for me. Somehow, finding myself already stripped down to nothing more than a long top, my undergarments and heels, it seemed like a fine idea. Needless to say, the tiny jacket did not cover nearly as much as the long top had, but at that point, I must have been sufficiently warmed up because I was comfortable with it...it seemed perfectly natural and normal even...it was like being in a doctor's office...only this doctor had a camera instead of a stethoscope.
Since pasties and a g-string were not available, I decided to call it a night at that stage of undress. I thought it was a good effort for my first time, plus I was frustrated with my lack of preparedness...but I really had no idea what to expect, and very little time to prepare in the first place.
I received the photos today...the photographer says they're completely untouched, and I have to say they confirmed what I've thought all along...I am so freakin' beautiful. God, I love being a model.
Not quite sure why I showed up with ten different outfits since he was supposed to be photographing my teeth, but I figured this was my shot and I was gonna take it!
I had no idea what I was doing, but I was in my glory...twirling, smiling, posing, vamping. It wasn't so easy doing it for the camera...since I'm so used to doing that in front of my multiple mirrors...or any mirror that I come across, really...and my family and friends...and whoever else might be caught in the line of fire of The Face.
It quickly became clear to me that my wardrobe choices were horrifically sub-par. I was in desperate need of a stylist, and hair and make-up gurus...but all I had was my Momager with me...always there to serve and protect, but she wasn't earning the ten percent of nothing that I'm paying her. If she doesn't step up her game on the next shoot, I may have to go all Kim Kardashian on her ass and fire her.
I was running out of viable wardrobe options when suddenly the photograher suggested I try on a tiny leather jacket, probably about two sizes too small for me. Somehow, finding myself already stripped down to nothing more than a long top, my undergarments and heels, it seemed like a fine idea. Needless to say, the tiny jacket did not cover nearly as much as the long top had, but at that point, I must have been sufficiently warmed up because I was comfortable with it...it seemed perfectly natural and normal even...it was like being in a doctor's office...only this doctor had a camera instead of a stethoscope.
Since pasties and a g-string were not available, I decided to call it a night at that stage of undress. I thought it was a good effort for my first time, plus I was frustrated with my lack of preparedness...but I really had no idea what to expect, and very little time to prepare in the first place.
I received the photos today...the photographer says they're completely untouched, and I have to say they confirmed what I've thought all along...I am so freakin' beautiful. God, I love being a model.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
His Name Is Double Yellow
I've said it before and I'll say it again...what makes life so great and interesting are the little surprises that are always around the corner...completely unplanned and absolutely unexpected. For all of the planning and preparing that we do in life, somehow it seems the most memorable moments, the best days, the unforgettable experiences, are the ones that just happen to us...completely unscripted...the ones we couldn't have orchestrated so perfectly even if we'd tried.
Sometimes, the wheels of those unforgettable moments are set in motion far in advance, completely unbeknownst to us. You might find yourself drunk in a bar among family and friends one night, intoxicatedly harrassing a virtual stranger...and years later, through twists and turns of fate that are perhaps being orchestrated by hands that do their work above and beyond us...that virtual stranger, who had through the course of time become only just a bit more than that to you, will unexpectedly drive hours upon hours only to walk through the door one night and completely take your breath away. For me, that night was December 31, 2009...undoubtedly my most memorable New Years to date.
When we first meet someone, we don't know who they will be to us, how they will effect us...we don't know what role they will play in our lives, what kind of connection we will make with them, or how they will touch our hearts.
His name is Double Yellow. I named him that the night I met him...about two years ago, I guess...I was drunk in a bar among family and friends and began intoxicatedly harrassing a virtual stranger. He was wearing a bright yellow long sleeve shirt under his softball uniform, so the name seemed appropriate...and he's been Double Yellow to me ever since. Somewhere between my nicknaming him and his subsequently telling me to "put the brakes on", we must have made a connection...I guess there was something there...an underlying attraction...or maybe it was all the beer he'd drank and all the wine I'd sucked down. In any case, the seed was planted. We were supposed to dance that night in the bar...but it never happened. We didn't have our dance until more than a year later...at my sister's wedding. It was fun, it was exciting, it was magical...it was Disney, after all...we exchanged numbers that weekend and began a...friendship, of sorts...the modern way...through texting and IMs throughout the summer. And then he left for the Army.
I thought about him, but we had no communication...apparently they frown upon calling, texting, IMing, Facebooking, etc. during Boot Camp. I went along with my life, as usual. When I knew he was home for Christmas, I texted him, asked if he'd be in Orlando for NYE, and invited him to a party at my sister's house...hoping he'd make it. He said he'd try, but made no promises. On the morning of the 31st he told me he wasn't going to make it after all, due to car issues. I wished him a happy and safe new year...and figured we'd text again...whenever we texted again. A few hours later...he texted again. Saying he was going to make it after all. I was so happy. Really excited to see him. At his request, I kept his attendance a secret...so all of his buddies, who were also at my sister's house, would get a big surprise. But the one who got the biggest surprise was me.
When I saw his shaved head and blue eyes walk through the door my heart skipped a beat from his handsome adorableness. I became nervous. Shy. Enamored. In awe. But this is Double Yellow! He looked gorgeous, and I was immediately in love...which is exactly how I fall in love- immediately, passionately, drastically and, usually, tragically. He had a lot of friends to greet and catch up with, but I didn't want to share him. I wanted him all to myself...to hug and kiss and love. I had no idea this was going to happen. Okay, maybe I had a slight inkling. But I didn't expect to feel the rush of...passion, lust, heat, desire that came upon me. When did we develop THIS dynamic? Was the feeling mutual? Of course it was mutual...did he really drive all that way to hang out with the boyz? Possibly. But I did look like a sexy bitch that night! Next thing I knew the clock was striking 12...he fed me a chocolate covered strawberry, we kissed. We kissed a lot, apparently. Some moments are fuzzy for me. He was a great kisser...almost as good as me. Time was moving too fast. I didn't want the night to end. I wanted to live in that moment forever.
With people passed out all over the house, there was no comfortable spot for us to sleep. Our only option was a twin size air mattress in the middle of the kitchen floor, with bodies strewn just yards away. But, with him beside me, I couldn't imagine anywhere else I would rather have been. Except maybe in a nice hotel room with a king size bed, jacuzzi tub and room service. Or in my apartment with my king size bed, small tub and take-out. But those weren't options at that moment. Sometimes you just have to make due. And make due we did. As we lay atop that twin blow up mattress on the cold tile of the kitchen floor, all I had to keep me warm was the comfort of being enveloped in Double Yellow's arms... and as the rain poured down outside and we snuggled closely, I suddenly realized that being there with him felt so much better than the highest thread count sheets money could ever buy.
Sometimes, the wheels of those unforgettable moments are set in motion far in advance, completely unbeknownst to us. You might find yourself drunk in a bar among family and friends one night, intoxicatedly harrassing a virtual stranger...and years later, through twists and turns of fate that are perhaps being orchestrated by hands that do their work above and beyond us...that virtual stranger, who had through the course of time become only just a bit more than that to you, will unexpectedly drive hours upon hours only to walk through the door one night and completely take your breath away. For me, that night was December 31, 2009...undoubtedly my most memorable New Years to date.
When we first meet someone, we don't know who they will be to us, how they will effect us...we don't know what role they will play in our lives, what kind of connection we will make with them, or how they will touch our hearts.
His name is Double Yellow. I named him that the night I met him...about two years ago, I guess...I was drunk in a bar among family and friends and began intoxicatedly harrassing a virtual stranger. He was wearing a bright yellow long sleeve shirt under his softball uniform, so the name seemed appropriate...and he's been Double Yellow to me ever since. Somewhere between my nicknaming him and his subsequently telling me to "put the brakes on", we must have made a connection...I guess there was something there...an underlying attraction...or maybe it was all the beer he'd drank and all the wine I'd sucked down. In any case, the seed was planted. We were supposed to dance that night in the bar...but it never happened. We didn't have our dance until more than a year later...at my sister's wedding. It was fun, it was exciting, it was magical...it was Disney, after all...we exchanged numbers that weekend and began a...friendship, of sorts...the modern way...through texting and IMs throughout the summer. And then he left for the Army.
I thought about him, but we had no communication...apparently they frown upon calling, texting, IMing, Facebooking, etc. during Boot Camp. I went along with my life, as usual. When I knew he was home for Christmas, I texted him, asked if he'd be in Orlando for NYE, and invited him to a party at my sister's house...hoping he'd make it. He said he'd try, but made no promises. On the morning of the 31st he told me he wasn't going to make it after all, due to car issues. I wished him a happy and safe new year...and figured we'd text again...whenever we texted again. A few hours later...he texted again. Saying he was going to make it after all. I was so happy. Really excited to see him. At his request, I kept his attendance a secret...so all of his buddies, who were also at my sister's house, would get a big surprise. But the one who got the biggest surprise was me.
When I saw his shaved head and blue eyes walk through the door my heart skipped a beat from his handsome adorableness. I became nervous. Shy. Enamored. In awe. But this is Double Yellow! He looked gorgeous, and I was immediately in love...which is exactly how I fall in love- immediately, passionately, drastically and, usually, tragically. He had a lot of friends to greet and catch up with, but I didn't want to share him. I wanted him all to myself...to hug and kiss and love. I had no idea this was going to happen. Okay, maybe I had a slight inkling. But I didn't expect to feel the rush of...passion, lust, heat, desire that came upon me. When did we develop THIS dynamic? Was the feeling mutual? Of course it was mutual...did he really drive all that way to hang out with the boyz? Possibly. But I did look like a sexy bitch that night! Next thing I knew the clock was striking 12...he fed me a chocolate covered strawberry, we kissed. We kissed a lot, apparently. Some moments are fuzzy for me. He was a great kisser...almost as good as me. Time was moving too fast. I didn't want the night to end. I wanted to live in that moment forever.
With people passed out all over the house, there was no comfortable spot for us to sleep. Our only option was a twin size air mattress in the middle of the kitchen floor, with bodies strewn just yards away. But, with him beside me, I couldn't imagine anywhere else I would rather have been. Except maybe in a nice hotel room with a king size bed, jacuzzi tub and room service. Or in my apartment with my king size bed, small tub and take-out. But those weren't options at that moment. Sometimes you just have to make due. And make due we did. As we lay atop that twin blow up mattress on the cold tile of the kitchen floor, all I had to keep me warm was the comfort of being enveloped in Double Yellow's arms... and as the rain poured down outside and we snuggled closely, I suddenly realized that being there with him felt so much better than the highest thread count sheets money could ever buy.
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