I've been on a dating hiatus since the beginning of the year. My thoughts, efforts and energies have been involved elsewhere...wrapped up in work, and in matters of my heart. Work seems to be getting situated, although it's still taking a lot out of me...emotionally and physically.
Time has been flying by...and it's only days until my soldier love comes back from being incommunicado. I haven't forgotten about him. To the contrary, I think about him all the time. I miss him. I want him. To touch him. Kiss him. Hold him. Have all of him. My memories haven't faded. They're burned in my mind, where they'll remain forever. No matter what. A fantastic, wonderful, treasured memory of passion, fun, sweetness, ecstasy, adoration. One that I want to re-create, time and time again, forever.
But he's 25 and in the Army for at least the next 5 and a half years. Not sure which is the greater deterrent. Romantic that I am, I try to dismiss both. Ready to move to any Army base anywhere...because of how I feel for him, and how that is so much more sacred and important than any other variable. Because I rarely feel it. I rarely love/lust/respect/desire the same person. They never deserve it. Never warrant anything close. But...he brought out my sweetness...which is exactly what I'm looking for...someone I can open my heart to and pour my love upon.
My sweet soldier love, who I want to hug and climb upon and kiss all over...he's the one that remains, lingers in my thoughts. Looking into someone else's eyes, I thought of him...of kissing him, of laying down with him, holding his hand, doing nothing and doing everything with him...and feeling completely content. Is hanging on to these thoughts just...dangerous for me, or safe for me...ultimately dangerous for me...if my romanticized fantasy doesn't come true. The safety for me is in not having any expectations of him. Because I can't. But, don't I deserve more than to have my heart caught up without any expectations? I can't cheat myself out of the possibility of my happy ending. I can't give up on my happily ever after. As ferociously scary as the possibility of happily ever after is for me.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Thursday, March 18, 2010
This Too Shall Pass
Life's roller coaster never stops. It's always either on the way up, or on the way down. It's never stagnant...always in motion. This is good. And this is bad. When you're feeling happy, content, joyful, safe, loved, secure...cherish it. Revel in it. Soak it up. Be in the moment. Engrain it. Because, chances are...no, guaranteed, it won't last. When you're feeling down, scared, lonely, defeated, discontented, hopeless...take heart, because this too shall pass.
I've been in both places. I felt the elation of being at the peak of the roller coaster, and I enjoyed that addicting high. And I've endured the fall, on more than one occassion, reaching the lowest point on that never-ending ride. What I've learned is that I can always make it up again...even from depths that I thought I'd never climb out of. I did. I'm strong. I'm resilient. I'm an Army of one.
I've relied on my family and friends....to help me through my hard times, and to celebrate the happy ones. But, somehow, it has just hit me that there is only one person in life that you can count on one hundred percent of the time. There is one person who will always be there with you and for you, through thick and thin, no matter what. There's one person who's eyes you can look into for answers, who will always tell you the truth, tell you what you need to know, and can communicate that information without uttering a single word. There's one person who knows you better than everyone else...knows your fears, your strengths, your hopes, your secrets.
Oftentimes, we credit others for our accomplishments, our achievements...as if this other person enabled us to be who we are, to achieve what we've done...we think this person completes us, makes us better, makes us "whole". No. We may want that to be the case, because we love to romanticize. As a self-proclaimed drama queen, I LOVE to romanticize, fantasize, dramatize. But, at the end of the day, and in the middle of the night, when we each lay our own head on our own pillow...we are who we are...to our own credit. When people who we've chosen to extol inevitably exit our lives...our strengths remain, often even stronger...our beauty radiates, usually more intensely, our achievements are our own...because they would have been realized with or without that person who we foolishly credited. And we continue along our individual roller coaster rides, reveling in the ups and enduring the downs. As I lay my head on my pillow tonight, I'll take comfort in knowing that the person who gives me the strength, the grace, the fortitude, the determination, the spirit, the guts, and the heart to always rise again, to perservere, to face adversity and continually find my smile, will be looking into my eyes in the morning. Always.
I've been in both places. I felt the elation of being at the peak of the roller coaster, and I enjoyed that addicting high. And I've endured the fall, on more than one occassion, reaching the lowest point on that never-ending ride. What I've learned is that I can always make it up again...even from depths that I thought I'd never climb out of. I did. I'm strong. I'm resilient. I'm an Army of one.
I've relied on my family and friends....to help me through my hard times, and to celebrate the happy ones. But, somehow, it has just hit me that there is only one person in life that you can count on one hundred percent of the time. There is one person who will always be there with you and for you, through thick and thin, no matter what. There's one person who's eyes you can look into for answers, who will always tell you the truth, tell you what you need to know, and can communicate that information without uttering a single word. There's one person who knows you better than everyone else...knows your fears, your strengths, your hopes, your secrets.
Oftentimes, we credit others for our accomplishments, our achievements...as if this other person enabled us to be who we are, to achieve what we've done...we think this person completes us, makes us better, makes us "whole". No. We may want that to be the case, because we love to romanticize. As a self-proclaimed drama queen, I LOVE to romanticize, fantasize, dramatize. But, at the end of the day, and in the middle of the night, when we each lay our own head on our own pillow...we are who we are...to our own credit. When people who we've chosen to extol inevitably exit our lives...our strengths remain, often even stronger...our beauty radiates, usually more intensely, our achievements are our own...because they would have been realized with or without that person who we foolishly credited. And we continue along our individual roller coaster rides, reveling in the ups and enduring the downs. As I lay my head on my pillow tonight, I'll take comfort in knowing that the person who gives me the strength, the grace, the fortitude, the determination, the spirit, the guts, and the heart to always rise again, to perservere, to face adversity and continually find my smile, will be looking into my eyes in the morning. Always.
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