SG has been in constant contact since we reconnected last Thursday...texting and/or calling every day, before and after our last "first date" on Saturday. He called today and asked me if I wanted to watch a movie at his place tonight. Sounded good to me.
I arrived at 7:30, he gave me a tour of the place...it was cozy. We watched a movie, ordered pizza, talked, and continued to, I guess, feel each other out. We were on separate couches for the first half of the night, but once the food arrived I moved onto his couch, at his prompting.
He doesn't know how to read me, I guess. And I sure as hell don't know how to read him. To me he seems extremely guarded, private...and I feel there's a lot more to his story than has been revealed to me. As for me, I'm guarded, hesitant, reserved with him. How can I not be? I guess it was time to decipher whether we were hanging out as friends (which, of course, I knew we were not), or if we were going to explore the possibility of something more...like with a REAL kiss. I have never sat through 3 movies with a guy who I was completely attracted to (over the course of 6 months, mind you) and actually watched all three movies. Maybe he hadn't either?
The movie ended at about 10:30...we were talking as he measured the length of my calf against his forearm, my foot against his hand and my entire leg against his whole arm. Yes, I'm 5' and you're 6'4"...my leg is the length of your arm. He mentions that he's going to go to the gym which, again, took me by surprise. Who the heck goes to the gym at 10:30 at night when they have a girl on their couch? I guess I've decided to take a bit of a laizzes-faire approach to my interaction with SG for now. After all, he could disappear again any day now, so why bother getting my panties in a bunch about any of it? I'm taking a very day by day approach this time around.
Before I even put on my shoes to leave, he asked when he could see me again...we decided on Thursday, and I reminded him I was going out of town on Friday to spend my birthday weekend with my family. "Does this mean I don't have to get you a present, or even call you, since you'll be out of town?", he joked. I told him he was completely off the hook since I didn't even know if my phone would work all the way in Orlando. He walked me to the door. I wanted a kiss. A real kiss. I needed to know if we have that spark, that connection..beyond just liking what each other looks like. Looks aren't everything. It's in the kiss. I wanted to feel and taste his lips and his tongue. We paused by the door. He bent down. We kissed. For the first time. For real. Our tongues caressed each other. It was soft and sweet and sensual and passionate at the same time...at least it would have been if I didn't have one foot out the door knowing he had one foot on the treadmill. I wanted to get lost in his mouth, as I pictured that sexy, uneven toothed smile of his. After the kiss he said "wow" or "you're a great kisser" or "that was great"...I can't quite remember exactly what he said because the birds were swirling and chirping again. My exact words were: "That was worth waiting for". Then he kissed me again. It was delicious.
As he walked me to my car he said, "I don't know why I'm going to the gym now." "Neither do I", I agreed. But, then I thought to myself...maybe it's better that he's going to the gym, and our dates are alcohol free, and they end by midnight instead of in two am drunken stupors. Maybe it's better that we've had five dates in six months instead of four dates in two weeks. Maybe it's better. We'll see what happens tomorrow....one day at a time.
Monday, July 20, 2009
How Do You Know?
How do you know, unless by looking back in retrospect, whether you're making the right decision or not? I think you can never know for sure. The best you can do is make an educated guess, a calculated decision based on experience and logic. And sometimes you throw experience, logic and caution to the wind and, ignoring them all, you move forward anyway. You may move forward tentatively...holding your heart back, or trying to, anyway, if that's not your strong suit. But then how can you be fully engaged in the experience? How can you be your loving, affectionate self if you're holding yourself back, trying as you might, to protect yourself, to guard your heart?
What makes us decide to give someone another chance, as opposed to dismissing them as yet another one of the many undeserving? A feeling, a hunch, a belief, a hope?
I've decided to do something completely uncharacteristic of me, and give someone not a second, which I barely believe in, but a third chance. As of last Thursday, the Southern Gentleman is back in my life. In an unexpected turn of events, we reconnected. And, despite what would normally be my "better judgement" (which for me is an oxymoron anyway), I decided to give him another chance. Why? I guess it boiled down to how it felt the last time I saw him...back in April, when I was sick and he brought me chicken soup and chocolate cake and we watched movies at my place. It was cozy, comfortable. It felt really good. I liked it. And I didn't see anything country or bumpkin about him. At all. All I saw was 6'4" of green eyed gourgeousness. With that memory in mind, three months later, I decided to give it another shot.
He picked me up and we went on the sushi date we were supposed to have in April. We talked, discussed, I gave him just a bit of a hard time about what was his latest disappearance....he expected it, knew he deserved it, and took it like a man. But I told him I didn't want to get caught up in all that...I'd already discussed with him how I felt about what had transpired and he agreed that he was 100% wrong and that I was 100% right. Enough said. If we were going to move forward we needed to move past that.
From the minute I laid eyes on him again when he appeared at my door, I was...okay, let's face it...I was in love. But, this time it's different. I'm leary. I'm suspecting. I'm wondering. Will he disappear again? My experience with the SG was different from the start. We'd never kissed. Not on our first, second or third dates. This is highly unusual for me. Could be because he doesn't drink. At all. And I really don't drink alone. So, I've never been drunk with him. Never had my guard or inhibitions down with him. It's been nice, sweet, friendly. Aside from the disappearances, I mean.
After sushi we went back to my place and watched a movie...and picked up where we left off three months ago...me laying on the couch with my legs on his lap and him massaging my feet, then holding my hand and tickling my arm. It was nice. He did make an unexpectedly early exit...with some excuse about having to call his dad about a family situation. I was a bit perplexed. But, somehow, this behavior didn't really surprise me, and I didn't question him. I walked him to the door and waited for him to bend down to give me our usual good bye hug...which he did...but then he kissed me. Took me by surprise. A good surprise. Before leaving he asked if he could see me again. I smiled and said yes. He texted me when he got home, thanking me for giving him another chance. I replied saying, "Maybe the third time WILL be the charm:)." He responded, "Yes it will be...is:)."
What makes us decide to give someone another chance, as opposed to dismissing them as yet another one of the many undeserving? A feeling, a hunch, a belief, a hope?
I've decided to do something completely uncharacteristic of me, and give someone not a second, which I barely believe in, but a third chance. As of last Thursday, the Southern Gentleman is back in my life. In an unexpected turn of events, we reconnected. And, despite what would normally be my "better judgement" (which for me is an oxymoron anyway), I decided to give him another chance. Why? I guess it boiled down to how it felt the last time I saw him...back in April, when I was sick and he brought me chicken soup and chocolate cake and we watched movies at my place. It was cozy, comfortable. It felt really good. I liked it. And I didn't see anything country or bumpkin about him. At all. All I saw was 6'4" of green eyed gourgeousness. With that memory in mind, three months later, I decided to give it another shot.
He picked me up and we went on the sushi date we were supposed to have in April. We talked, discussed, I gave him just a bit of a hard time about what was his latest disappearance....he expected it, knew he deserved it, and took it like a man. But I told him I didn't want to get caught up in all that...I'd already discussed with him how I felt about what had transpired and he agreed that he was 100% wrong and that I was 100% right. Enough said. If we were going to move forward we needed to move past that.
From the minute I laid eyes on him again when he appeared at my door, I was...okay, let's face it...I was in love. But, this time it's different. I'm leary. I'm suspecting. I'm wondering. Will he disappear again? My experience with the SG was different from the start. We'd never kissed. Not on our first, second or third dates. This is highly unusual for me. Could be because he doesn't drink. At all. And I really don't drink alone. So, I've never been drunk with him. Never had my guard or inhibitions down with him. It's been nice, sweet, friendly. Aside from the disappearances, I mean.
After sushi we went back to my place and watched a movie...and picked up where we left off three months ago...me laying on the couch with my legs on his lap and him massaging my feet, then holding my hand and tickling my arm. It was nice. He did make an unexpectedly early exit...with some excuse about having to call his dad about a family situation. I was a bit perplexed. But, somehow, this behavior didn't really surprise me, and I didn't question him. I walked him to the door and waited for him to bend down to give me our usual good bye hug...which he did...but then he kissed me. Took me by surprise. A good surprise. Before leaving he asked if he could see me again. I smiled and said yes. He texted me when he got home, thanking me for giving him another chance. I replied saying, "Maybe the third time WILL be the charm:)." He responded, "Yes it will be...is:)."
Friday, July 10, 2009
Funkytown
July is always a tough month for me. It's always the month that I turn another year older. I'm watching the years, and my life tick away, and I don't have what I want. I don't feel happy. Or content. Or secure. Why? Because I'm single. About to be 37 and single. And extremely attractive, educated, articulate, caring, funny, had a successful career for the last 5 years...and completely, painfully, frustratingly single.
I've been looking for the right guy for a long time. And I just can not find him. The problem is not that I'm too picky....that has always been far from the problem. I'm open to all different types, I'm just looking for a good guy with a great heart who has integrity and morals and is looking for the same thing I am...love. This has proven very elusive. Will I ever be happy if I don't find a great guy to share what's left of my life with. No. Definitely not. That's not how it's supposed to be. Not how we're designed. We're designed to need, crave companionship, love, affection. Even on Sex and the City...with their glamourous lives, great friends, successful careers, fantastic clothes....they were all ultimately in search of the love, the lover, the partner to share it all with, to make it all worth it. And that's what I want. I deserve it. I have a lot of love to give. I just want to love and be loved by someone worthy. Someone good.
My birthday is fast approcahing, and I've just made a drastic change in my life....I quit my job. I was miserable. I was burnt out. I hated going to work. So, I quit. This is unlike me...usually I stay for far too long in situations I shouldn't be in. But, lately, I just can't take the discomfort.
I've been looking for the right guy for a long time. And I just can not find him. The problem is not that I'm too picky....that has always been far from the problem. I'm open to all different types, I'm just looking for a good guy with a great heart who has integrity and morals and is looking for the same thing I am...love. This has proven very elusive. Will I ever be happy if I don't find a great guy to share what's left of my life with. No. Definitely not. That's not how it's supposed to be. Not how we're designed. We're designed to need, crave companionship, love, affection. Even on Sex and the City...with their glamourous lives, great friends, successful careers, fantastic clothes....they were all ultimately in search of the love, the lover, the partner to share it all with, to make it all worth it. And that's what I want. I deserve it. I have a lot of love to give. I just want to love and be loved by someone worthy. Someone good.
My birthday is fast approcahing, and I've just made a drastic change in my life....I quit my job. I was miserable. I was burnt out. I hated going to work. So, I quit. This is unlike me...usually I stay for far too long in situations I shouldn't be in. But, lately, I just can't take the discomfort.
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