Sometimes A Kiss Is Worth A Thousand Words

Did you ever kiss someone and feel like you were just melting into their face? I mean in the good way, like dulce de leche ice cream giving way to a warm double chocolate brownie. A kiss that so envelops you, it's as if your faces become one. You don't know where your mouth ends and his begins. You become, for a time, part of each other, in a way that is so intense, so intimate, so strong, that sex could never even compare to this level of closeness. And yet, you feel like you can not get close enough. Kisses that transition seamlessly from deep and powerful to soft, tender, delicate. When his mouth gently touches your face, kisses your cheeks, licks your nose, sucks your neck, and then his tongue makes its way back into your mouth, reaching so deeply you feel it tickling your heart. Your bodies are intertwined, cuddling in each other's warmth, his strong muscles against your soft curves. And then he reaches around to hold your hand. Your fingers touch, grasp for each other and interlock. And the embrace almost makes the words, "I love you" spring from your lips. Because there have to be strong feelings behind a kiss like this. Sometimes a kiss is not just a kiss, especially when the kiss feels like this.

In Due Time

For as long as I can remember, I wanted to get married and not have to work...to survive by being taken care of by a man. Considering the state of my parents' marriage, and the dissolution of it, I don't know how this could have been my intended game plan. But, as has often happened in my life...when I was determined and headed on the wrong path, in the wrong direction, there were road blocks...many times they appeared just as I was about to drive off the cliff.
While that cockamamie idea may have been my plan, it's certainly not the plan that was in the cards. I was never allowed to depend on a man to take care of me, to relinquish my power over to someone else, to not realize my potential and talents and value in the work place. Someone wiser and more powerful than even I am made sure of that. So, I've had to struggle with finding that thing that I always yearned for and desired. And as I muddled through that struggle, never being able to find a suitable mate to surrender myself to, I have discovered that I am able to take care of myself. I'm strong. I'm powerful. I'm dynamic. I'm resilient. I can stand on my own. I can survive and sustain myself in plenty and in poverty. I have been allowed to set myself up so that I will never need, never have to depend on any man. With this knowledge and realization and fact, comes power.
The desire for that relationship comes from a different place now, a different perspective...one that is clear, not convoluted as it was before. I have become a different person...one who went from simply wanting to be "taken care of", to one who is proud that she never was.
As I made my way through both prosperous and lean times over the past few years, I grew, I matured, I made wise choices for myself. I have reached a point where the idea of having someone else take care of me is now uncomfortable, unnatural, unthinkable, unfathomable. How could I ever do that? How could I have wanted to do that? To relinquish my power, my voice, my abilities, my options?
This path was a long one. This was a lesson that took many years of sometimes wayward navigation to learn. Even when I was an unwilling student, I had a faithful teacher, who never abandoned me, never lost sight of how the end would justify the means.
They say when you're not looking for something is when you'll find it. I can't say that I've ever stopped looking for my other half...but I can feel that my fervor for doing so wore off some time ago...I had to focus on other things...like getting a job, becoming a super model, and having an improbable love affair with the unlikeliest of candidates....creating some glorious memories that I will always treasure.
Perhaps now that I've reached this point in my development as a mature, independent woman, the teacher will deem it time for me to find what I'd, to a great extent, stopped looking for. I wouldn't be at all surprised. It's too soon to tell. But, whether it's time or not, I know someone's got their big, bright blue eyes looking out for me.

Tryin' Again

I've been on a dating hiatus since the beginning of the year. My thoughts, efforts and energies have been involved elsewhere...wrapped up in work, and in matters of my heart. Work seems to be getting situated, although it's still taking a lot out of me...emotionally and physically.
Time has been flying by...and it's only days until my soldier love comes back from being incommunicado. I haven't forgotten about him. To the contrary, I think about him all the time. I miss him. I want him. To touch him. Kiss him. Hold him. Have all of him. My memories haven't faded. They're burned in my mind, where they'll remain forever. No matter what. A fantastic, wonderful, treasured memory of passion, fun, sweetness, ecstasy, adoration. One that I want to re-create, time and time again, forever.
But he's 25 and in the Army for at least the next 5 and a half years. Not sure which is the greater deterrent. Romantic that I am, I try to dismiss both. Ready to move to any Army base anywhere...because of how I feel for him, and how that is so much more sacred and important than any other variable. Because I rarely feel it. I rarely love/lust/respect/desire the same person. They never deserve it. Never warrant anything close. But...he brought out my sweetness...which is exactly what I'm looking for...someone I can open my heart to and pour my love upon.
My sweet soldier love, who I want to hug and climb upon and kiss all over...he's the one that remains, lingers in my thoughts. Looking into someone else's eyes, I thought of him...of kissing him, of laying down with him, holding his hand, doing nothing and doing everything with him...and feeling completely content. Is hanging on to these thoughts just...dangerous for me, or safe for me...ultimately dangerous for me...if my romanticized fantasy doesn't come true. The safety for me is in not having any expectations of him. Because I can't. But, don't I deserve more than to have my heart caught up without any expectations? I can't cheat myself out of the possibility of my happy ending. I can't give up on my happily ever after. As ferociously scary as the possibility of happily ever after is for me.

This Too Shall Pass

Life's roller coaster never stops. It's always either on the way up, or on the way down. It's never stagnant...always in motion. This is good. And this is bad. When you're feeling happy, content, joyful, safe, loved, secure...cherish it. Revel in it. Soak it up. Be in the moment. Engrain it. Because, chances are...no, guaranteed, it won't last. When you're feeling down, scared, lonely, defeated, discontented, hopeless...take heart, because this too shall pass.
I've been in both places. I felt the elation of being at the peak of the roller coaster, and I enjoyed that addicting high. And I've endured the fall, on more than one occassion, reaching the lowest point on that never-ending ride. What I've learned is that I can always make it up again...even from depths that I thought I'd never climb out of. I did. I'm strong. I'm resilient. I'm an Army of one.
I've relied on my family and friends....to help me through my hard times, and to celebrate the happy ones. But, somehow, it has just hit me that there is only one person in life that you can count on one hundred percent of the time. There is one person who will always be there with you and for you, through thick and thin, no matter what. There's one person who's eyes you can look into for answers, who will always tell you the truth, tell you what you need to know, and can communicate that information without uttering a single word. There's one person who knows you better than everyone else...knows your fears, your strengths, your hopes, your secrets.
Oftentimes, we credit others for our accomplishments, our achievements...as if this other person enabled us to be who we are, to achieve what we've done...we think this person completes us, makes us better, makes us "whole". No. We may want that to be the case, because we love to romanticize. As a self-proclaimed drama queen, I LOVE to romanticize, fantasize, dramatize. But, at the end of the day, and in the middle of the night, when we each lay our own head on our own pillow...we are who we are...to our own credit. When people who we've chosen to extol inevitably exit our lives...our strengths remain, often even stronger...our beauty radiates, usually more intensely, our achievements are our own...because they would have been realized with or without that person who we foolishly credited. And we continue along our individual roller coaster rides, reveling in the ups and enduring the downs. As I lay my head on my pillow tonight, I'll take comfort in knowing that the person who gives me the strength, the grace, the fortitude, the determination, the spirit, the guts, and the heart to always rise again, to perservere, to face adversity and continually find my smile, will be looking into my eyes in the morning. Always.

Hopeless Romantic

What do you do when you fall in love with someone who is a world away? Someone who is living such a different life from you, so much so that you can't even imagine it, can't wrap your mind around it. But, you have a connection, a friendship, a desire, a longing...for him...even though he is so very far away. Not necessarily geographically. Not yet, anyway. But, in life. What you are ready for, he is not yet ready for. What you want, he is probably not yet ready to give. But you made a connection, you felt something, you still feel it...you feel it even more now because with time....feelings grow, unless they fade away. But, for now, they are growing...even though he is a world away.
You are a hopeless romantic, searching for, and hoping to find, The One. You know it can't be just any ordinary One...it has to be someone...something...that is extra-ordinary, extraordinary. For you there can be no ordinary love...it has to be dramatic, passionate, gripping, forbidden, unfathomable, almost impossible. You are a drama queen. Do you always just want what you can't have? Does having your heart enraptured with an impossibility just keep you safe? Safe from getting hurt again because, in your mind, you know this can't really happen for real. Or can it? Either way, you choose to live in your heart, your mind always takes a back seat...in your heart anything is possible, in your heart you don't have to close the door on him or on the possibility of "Us"...in your heart that connection, that infatuation, that lust, that love can conquer all...in the heart of a hopeless romantic.
He is on a path that is going to take him far, far away from you. You want to take him home with you and keep him there forever, in the safety of your arms, to hold him and love him and protect him...to smother him with kisses and all the love you've saved up inside...everything you've been holding, guarding, protecting....while waiting for the right One. And when you weren't expecting it, you came upon him, however briefly, and you can't let him go, don't want to let him go...instead, you want to give him your heart, give him all of you, because...you think he deserves it...you adore him, you care about him, you're proud of him, you're worried for him. So what do you do when the man who has captured your heart is living a world away?

I'm A Model Now, And It's Super!

Last night one of my dreams came true...I became a model! And I don't mean just the poses that I do in the various mirrors all around my apartment. It was in an actual studio, with a photographer, special lights and wardrobe changes. I recently met the photographer at a party, where he complimented me on my teeth and told me I should be a tooth model. I couldn't have agreed more! I told him to set up the shoot and I'd be there.
Not quite sure why I showed up with ten different outfits since he was supposed to be photographing my teeth, but I figured this was my shot and I was gonna take it!
I had no idea what I was doing, but I was in my glory...twirling, smiling, posing, vamping. It wasn't so easy doing it for the camera...since I'm so used to doing that in front of my multiple mirrors...or any mirror that I come across, really...and my family and friends...and whoever else might be caught in the line of fire of The Face.
It quickly became clear to me that my wardrobe choices were horrifically sub-par. I was in desperate need of a stylist, and hair and make-up gurus...but all I had was my Momager with me...always there to serve and protect, but she wasn't earning the ten percent of nothing that I'm paying her. If she doesn't step up her game on the next shoot, I may have to go all Kim Kardashian on her ass and fire her.
I was running out of viable wardrobe options when suddenly the photograher suggested I try on a tiny leather jacket, probably about two sizes too small for me. Somehow, finding myself already stripped down to nothing more than a long top, my undergarments and heels, it seemed like a fine idea. Needless to say, the tiny jacket did not cover nearly as much as the long top had, but at that point, I must have been sufficiently warmed up because I was comfortable with it...it seemed perfectly natural and normal even...it was like being in a doctor's office...only this doctor had a camera instead of a stethoscope.
Since pasties and a g-string were not available, I decided to call it a night at that stage of undress. I thought it was a good effort for my first time, plus I was frustrated with my lack of preparedness...but I really had no idea what to expect, and very little time to prepare in the first place.
I received the photos today...the photographer says they're completely untouched, and I have to say they confirmed what I've thought all along...I am so freakin' beautiful. God, I love being a model.

His Name Is Double Yellow

I've said it before and I'll say it again...what makes life so great and interesting are the little surprises that are always around the corner...completely unplanned and absolutely unexpected. For all of the planning and preparing that we do in life, somehow it seems the most memorable moments, the best days, the unforgettable experiences, are the ones that just happen to us...completely unscripted...the ones we couldn't have orchestrated so perfectly even if we'd tried.
Sometimes, the wheels of those unforgettable moments are set in motion far in advance, completely unbeknownst to us. You might find yourself drunk in a bar among family and friends one night, intoxicatedly harrassing a virtual stranger...and years later, through twists and turns of fate that are perhaps being orchestrated by hands that do their work above and beyond us...that virtual stranger, who had through the course of time become only just a bit more than that to you, will unexpectedly drive hours upon hours only to walk through the door one night and completely take your breath away. For me, that night was December 31, 2009...undoubtedly my most memorable New Years to date.
When we first meet someone, we don't know who they will be to us, how they will effect us...we don't know what role they will play in our lives, what kind of connection we will make with them, or how they will touch our hearts.
His name is Double Yellow. I named him that the night I met him...about two years ago, I guess...I was drunk in a bar among family and friends and began intoxicatedly harrassing a virtual stranger. He was wearing a bright yellow long sleeve shirt under his softball uniform, so the name seemed appropriate...and he's been Double Yellow to me ever since. Somewhere between my nicknaming him and his subsequently telling me to "put the brakes on", we must have made a connection...I guess there was something there...an underlying attraction...or maybe it was all the beer he'd drank and all the wine I'd sucked down. In any case, the seed was planted. We were supposed to dance that night in the bar...but it never happened. We didn't have our dance until more than a year later...at my sister's wedding. It was fun, it was exciting, it was magical...it was Disney, after all...we exchanged numbers that weekend and began a...friendship, of sorts...the modern way...through texting and IMs throughout the summer. And then he left for the Army.
I thought about him, but we had no communication...apparently they frown upon calling, texting, IMing, Facebooking, etc. during Boot Camp. I went along with my life, as usual. When I knew he was home for Christmas, I texted him, asked if he'd be in Orlando for NYE, and invited him to a party at my sister's house...hoping he'd make it. He said he'd try, but made no promises. On the morning of the 31st he told me he wasn't going to make it after all, due to car issues. I wished him a happy and safe new year...and figured we'd text again...whenever we texted again. A few hours later...he texted again. Saying he was going to make it after all. I was so happy. Really excited to see him. At his request, I kept his attendance a secret...so all of his buddies, who were also at my sister's house, would get a big surprise. But the one who got the biggest surprise was me.
When I saw his shaved head and blue eyes walk through the door my heart skipped a beat from his handsome adorableness. I became nervous. Shy. Enamored. In awe. But this is Double Yellow! He looked gorgeous, and I was immediately in love...which is exactly how I fall in love- immediately, passionately, drastically and, usually, tragically. He had a lot of friends to greet and catch up with, but I didn't want to share him. I wanted him all to myself...to hug and kiss and love. I had no idea this was going to happen. Okay, maybe I had a slight inkling. But I didn't expect to feel the rush of...passion, lust, heat, desire that came upon me. When did we develop THIS dynamic? Was the feeling mutual? Of course it was mutual...did he really drive all that way to hang out with the boyz? Possibly. But I did look like a sexy bitch that night! Next thing I knew the clock was striking 12...he fed me a chocolate covered strawberry, we kissed. We kissed a lot, apparently. Some moments are fuzzy for me. He was a great kisser...almost as good as me. Time was moving too fast. I didn't want the night to end. I wanted to live in that moment forever.
With people passed out all over the house, there was no comfortable spot for us to sleep. Our only option was a twin size air mattress in the middle of the kitchen floor, with bodies strewn just yards away. But, with him beside me, I couldn't imagine anywhere else I would rather have been. Except maybe in a nice hotel room with a king size bed, jacuzzi tub and room service. Or in my apartment with my king size bed, small tub and take-out. But those weren't options at that moment. Sometimes you just have to make due. And make due we did. As we lay atop that twin blow up mattress on the cold tile of the kitchen floor, all I had to keep me warm was the comfort of being enveloped in Double Yellow's arms... and as the rain poured down outside and we snuggled closely, I suddenly realized that being there with him felt so much better than the highest thread count sheets money could ever buy.