When Love Is Not An Option

I fell in love with him the minute I saw him...and when I fall, I tend to do it hard and fast. Okay, love may be a bit of a strong word...aside from the fact that it's impossible to fall in love with someone the minute you meet them...so, I admit it, I fell in lust with him the minute I laid eyes on him.
That was probably about 6 years ago...I've lost track...when we were test driving the first car he leased me. It started over the phone...when I first heard that sexy Cuban accent...then when I met him in person it was all over. Handsome, sexy, cute, sweet, mysterious, shy, adorable, tight lipped, withholding. And I was aggressive, forward, friendly, outgoing, interrogating, myself. I got the car from him, and we've been friendly ever since.
Never knew he was attracted to me until about a year and a half ago...he called me out of the blue...as he occassionally did, but I'd never thought anything of it...until that time, when we actually went out...drank wine, talked and talked, kissed madly, passionately. And then a few weeks later we went out again. He didn't know it, but it was actually the night that I was supposed to get married. I'd cancelled the wedding 6 months prior, and spent that night with JC...a few hours of it, anyway. I definitely made the right decision. And I did find it interesting that I ended up spending that night with him, of all people...it was a night that was significant to me for reasons he didn't even know...it was a night when I really needed to be out having a great time. And I did, with such an unlikely and unexpected companion...I would have never guessed. We went out again...had dinner, drank wine, talked, kissed more madly, more passionately.
Our friendship continued more or less in it's usual pattern...sporadic and random in my estimation. I temporarily got wrapped up in my feelings for him, as I often tend to do. But it's different with JC...I don't expect anything from him other than sporadic friendship and passion...because I believe that's all he's capable of. I don't hold that against him...I accept him as he is. He won't open up to me. Not sure if it's because he can't or if he just won't allow himself to, for reasons that are unbeknownst to me. Either way, it makes it hard to develop a deeper connection...the kind of connection I crave.
Months passed as they so easily and quickly do, and he'd call here and there. We'd text, we'd flirt, we'd tease...and then one night he called my bluff. He called me on my flirting, my teasing, my tempting...all my talk and my incessant inaction. I liked the fact that he knew me well enough, and somehow felt comfortable enough, to call me on it...he came over, it was the night after Christmas, and we became each other's belated Christmas gifts. Sometimes fantasy is better than reality. The anticipation better than the actual experience.
We continued our sporadic communication, as always, talking every so often. I had to detach somewhat...couldn't let my emotions get wrapped up in something that I knew couldn't ever be more than exactly what it was. Sometimes, he'd call and I'd neglect to return his calls. On one occassion I told him I had to call him back, and just never did. Looking back, now that I think about it, he did get really upset and mad at me. And he let me know it...told me I was rude, a bad friend. Hmmmm...I didn't realize he cared, or gave it a second thought.
Hadn't spoken to him since my birthday...a few months ago...everything was cool between us...we caught up on our current work situations-our usual topic of conversation- and that was more or less that. He did cross my mind over the months that went by, but not enough for me to pick up the phone...I'm really bad about calling, in general...nothing personal. Not sure why. Come to find out, he'd lost my number and had been trying to get in touch with me...leaving messages and sending texts over and over again at an old number. I never received any of the messages. The moment I heard this news I picked up the phone and called him. I didn't say hello...as soon as he answered I just asked him if he'd been looking for me. He gave me a hard time, as usual...he seems to like to tell me what a pain in the ass I am...I chalk it up to the little dance we do...we've been doing it since day one when he'd tell me I was killing him over the price of the car I wanted. So, as usual, we caught up on our current employment situations, and our frienship was immediately restored. I missed him. I'm crazy about him, I care for him, even though I know not to let myself go there...because as far as I can deduce, he won't allow himself to have feelings for anyone, including me. But I guess he must...on some crazy, heavily guarded level, fiercely under lock and key, feel something for me.
I asked him what he was doing that night and said, "Let's go out!" He agreed. We met at a restaurant near his house. I was sitting at the bar as I watched him walk through the door. When our eyes met I could feel a huge smile spread across my face...and I noticed that same smile reflected back at me. He kissed me hello and he smelled delicious. "Do you like the cologne? I wore it for you", he said. I have automatically programmed myself to take everything he says with a heavy grain of salt...especially if it's something that might sound sincere/romantic/sweet/loving...we don't go there. So, I just assume he's being sarcastic. Maybe I shouldn't assume. We ate, we drank, we talked. It was easy and fun and comfortable, as always. He showed me pictures of his family, and even showed me one of the texts he'd sent that never reached me. I'd already believed him when he told me about it...but I guess he wanted me to see it. Why?
After insisting on paying for dinner he lured me back to his house with wine and a movie...which we drank and watched on a tiny pull out couch. We cuddled, we kissed. It was nice. I wish it could be more. But I always keep my emotional guard up and distance intact...because I know if I let it down, he'll run for the hills. That's what he tells me happens with other women...they want him, they ask for him, they pursue him, and he runs the other way. To me, he's so handsome and sexy I can't imagine any woman not wanting him. And I believe him. Not sure why he doesn't want to pursue a relationship with any of them. And he's as tight lipped today as he was when I met him 6 years ago, so it looks like I may never find out.
After the movie, he took my hand and brought me into the bedroom. I went willingly. After all, we both knew that's why I was there. As much as I tried, I couldn't bring down that emotional guard, couldn't get past the idea that I was just another notch on his bedpost...another woman who he brought by the hand into the bedroom, but didn't want to stay until morning. When I embraced him and kissed him, I couldn't feel the depth of emotion, the connection on a deeper level that I wanted to feel. It was surface. Or maybe it was me.
He was beautiful, he was sexy, his body is a work of art. It was fun, passionate, somehow oddly comfortable. Definitely better than before, but still not good enough. I don't want just his outside connected with me...I want his inside. So, I stayed guarded, kept my distance, made a quick exit in what ended up being the middle of the night, even though there was an invitation to stay for a little while out of concern for me driving when I was so tired. I left. I didn't want any awkward morning after moments with him. I felt slightly whoreish, but it was okay...because it was him, because I know I'll hear from him again, see him again, and because he never makes any promises that he doesn't deliver on...because he makes no promises at all...and I respect him for that.
To his credit, he texted me early the next morning saying he hopes I made it home safley. Still half asleep I replied, "I did, thanx:)", and I left it at that. I think I had sex like a man.
Then, to my surprise, I found him on my facebook page...commenting on one of my pictures, saying, "Here she is...one of the best smiles I've seen...ohh what a friend of mine:)". Hmmm, curious. I replied, "Thanks JC. Seeing you always makes me smile:)". Honest and true. To which he responded, "I know, same here G :)". Hmmm, even more curious. When I read those five words, they struck me. I felt something inside...in my chest. I think I felt my heart skip a beat. Is it possible I'm not just another notch in his belt? Does he feel for me more than I realize? Is he as crazy about me as I am about him?...each of us keeping our feelings on lockdown for fear of daring to take our friendship into uncharted territory...knowing, in all likelihood, that it will implode? I really never considered this possibility. Of course, I'd previously never considered the possibility that he was attracted to me either. I'll keep the lines of communication open, but I have to keep my guard up. Because as much as I'd like it to be something more, I don't know if he's willing or able.