Happy Swinging Valentine's Day

My Latin Lover and I had plans for a girls only Valentine’s Day this year…she actually booked me back in January, telling me that no matter who I was dating at the time, I was spending Valentine’s Day with her. Knowing, in all likelihood, that I wouldn’t be dating anyone special at the time, or more likely that I’d be dating someone definitively NOT special, I happily accepted her demand for my company.
Being the overzealous carnivores that we are, we booked a table at one of the premier steak houses in town, where another friend of ours happens to work. My Latin Lover arrived late, as usual…but our table was waiting for us in the corner, at our friend’s station….we ordered drinks and tried to decide what combination of meat and shellfish we would indulge in. The restaurant was packed and buzzing at 9pm…with husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends, fiancés, and me and LL. Of course, by the time we arrived at the restaurant I was buzzing too, as a result of the pre-dinner Pinot I drank ALONE while waiting for my "date" to arrive. You would think by now, after 3 years of friendship, I’d know to lie and tell her she needs to be there 30-45 minutes before I actually want her there…and then maybe she’d make it on time….apparently I’m a slow learner….and a bad liar. It’s not really her fault- she’s Latin, she can’t help it.
After downing a pomegranate martini, then switching back to wine, I decided on the surf and turf…a mini filet and lobster tail with what appeared to be a small swimming pool of melted butter heated by a tea light candle on the side, seemed like the perfect entrée for such a special and happy occasion…the celebration of love. It doesn’t have to be only romantic love that we celebrate on Valentine’s Day….we celebrate love for our friends, our families, our health, for all of the blessings that we sometimes forget to be thankful for as we go whizzing through life, and love of the simple things....like tender, medium rare filet mignon and lobster tail drenched in warm butter….and being able to treat yourself to it and truly enjoy it with friends, even if there is no “significant other” in your life at the time. But I digress…. The wine, food and conversation flowed…dinner was succulent and I enjoyed every bite, the company was fantastic….after all, I was there, and I always do a good job of entertaining myself….this night was no exception.
Three hours passed as if we’d just sat down….if only more of my dates went this way! The next thing I knew, the restaurant had emptied out, with the exception of a few tables…one of which was right next to us….an attractive, buxom blonde and a very, very ugly man. Not sure how it happened, but we started talking…she had a ridiculous name that began with an "A". Upon hearing it, I immediately re-named her Anastasia (which, somehow, seemed less ridiculous at the time) and referred to her as such for the rest of the night….she went along with it…but let’s face it…she really didn’t have a choice at that point….3 to 4 (okay 5) drinks in, I do and say whatever the hell I want.
Anastasia has 3 kids ranging from about 7 to 23, is divorced, and has been dating Ugly Man for about a year and a half. The next thing I know, Anastasia and Ugly Man have joined me and LL at our table. Then the conversation turned to me…how did that happen?? Ugly Man was overtly enthralled and enamored with me, going on and on about how pretty and sexy I was and complimenting me on my great, spunky personality. He ordered me and LL a round of drinks and kept going on about how hot and sexy and gorgeous I was…with his girlfriend sitting right next to me. At the time, it wasn’t quite registering what bizarre behavior this was…after all, being the attention whore that I am, I was just eating it up…and I thought he must just be very astute, and I appreciated him stating the obvious in such a straight forward fashion.
I honestly didn’t realize anything was awry until, all of a sudden, he asked if LL and I were homosexual…or heterosexual…I can’t remember which way he asked the question (darn wine!). It was at that moment that the light bulb must have gotten lit in my little brain…I have no idea how we responded because of all of the Pinot Noir swirling around in my head, but LL and I quickly excused ourselves to go to the bathroom, at which time she informed me that they were swingers and were trying to pick me up to take me home and swing me around (which I do like, but only one on one, and with a man). Tucked away in the bathroom, we were talking about the two whackos at our table and trying to figure out how to ditch them, when suddenly Anastasia peeked her head in. Wide eyed, I said, “Oh, hellooooo”…knowing she must have caught an earful from the other side of the door. The three of us went into our respective stalls, and LL and I waited until the coast was clear to come out. In the meantime, our server/friend was texting me asking what the hell was going on and what was I getting myself into? Naïve and clueless as I am, I had no idea what I was getting myself into…I just like hearing how gorgeous and fantastic I am. I'm such a sucker. We went back into the dining room only to find that the swingers ditched us, and our doggie bags full of lamb shank ravioli (oh, didn’t I mention that?-- to DIE for) and steak were gone! Well, it was just after midnight and the only ones still standing were me, LL and the waitstaff…our night had come to an end….
Why would the fact that I spent Valentine’s Day at a romantic restaurant sharing an extravagant dinner with my friend, who I then took back to my Love Shack, got into my king size bed and ate chocolates with and talked until we passed out, make complete strangers question my sexual orientation? Crazy swingers! I think I might book LL for next year, too…that is, if I don’t have a special man in my life to take me home and swing me around, of course.