Defense Mechanism

It makes for an interesting situation when the thing that you want the most is also the thing that you fear the most. It's even more interesting when you realize this on a conscious level. And then knowingly, right before your very own eyes, make choices that will lead you farthest from that thing that you think you want. Because the fear is stronger than the desire.

Of course, I'm referring to my love life, or lack thereof. I won't go so far as to say I want a husband at this point, since I haven't even gotten to a 5th date in the last 11 months. But I will say I'd like a relationship, a companion, a lover, a partner, a best friend who I can share everything with... or at the very least, drinks, dinners, movies, trips and sleep overs. Do we really need to share everything?

I don't even know if I can handle the piece of paper anymore. Sure, I want the jewelry, but can't it just be a "promise" 3.5 carat diamond ring set in platinum? I just want someone to be good to...someone who deserves for me to be good to them. Why waste my goodness on someone undeserving? And, of course, someone who's good to me.

I still think about the Pothead, and how we used to gaze at each other googley eyed, discussing the possibility of our Love Ceremony....a celebration on the beach with our close family and friends to commemorate our lawless union. It was all going to be so perfect, until he dropped the smoke bomb on me. I still miss that little green eyed Jew. But, of course, he wasn't the right one. Any guy who waxes on about how camp was the highlight of his life has some serious issues... so, of course I was attracted. And was saved just in the nick of time, before I got in too deep.

Are the pickings really that slim, or do I just choose to fraternize with the slimmest of the pickings? Suffice it to say, if I'm asking myself this question, I already know the answer. I say I like the bad boys. I like the muscles and the tattoos. But, can I really see an uneducated, meat head, personal trainer fresh from the joint as my lifetime companion, the co-walker of my future puppy? Can I really let my guard down and open my heart to such a character? No. So, it's safe. Because I know it can't go anywhere. I know, even though I give the benefit of the doubt even when I know I shouldn't, this person will sooner, rather than later, do exactly what I expect him to: disappoint me. Thereby preventing any relationship from developing or progressing, allowing me to keep my heart safely under lock and key, as I continue with my fruitless silly antics and dates and choices. Choosing the ones that I know will fail me keeps me in control, or gives me a false sense of it, anyway- because I get exactly what I expect. Opening my heart to someone who could actually be my lifetime companiion, and freeing my heart from the protective barbed wire that encases it, is way too dangerous.