I Couldn't Help Myself

I went on two dates with the Southern Gentleman...and at that point I was undecided about how I felt about the guy. He was tall, dark and handsome, polite, educated, articulate and well written...a big plus with me. Even if you're George Clooney-esque and it becomes apparant to me that you don't know the difference between to, too and two; your, you're and yore, or use the word "anyways", I'm going to think you're an inbecile. Don't get me wrong- I'd probably still date you, but secretly I'd think you were a bit of a moron. A rocket scientist I am not, but I pride myself on having a pretty strong command of the English language...especially those words we learned in grade school. The Southern Gentleman was a writer, as well....and his artistic side (his way with both the spoken and written word) attracted me.
After our second date he continued to call and text me. He'd already asked me out again, and I accepted. As we tried to coordinate our schedules, we stayed in touch...well, apparently he stayed in touch...and I either answered my phone when he called, or returned his text. The last time I spoke to him was the day before Valentine's Day...when he called to wish me a Happy Lesbian Valentine's Day...I'd told him I had plans with LL for a girls only Valentine's celebration, which I joking referred to as my Lesbian Valentine's Day. We chatted for a while, and he mentioned getting together in the upcoming week. I told him I was looking forward to that. To which he replied, "You are?", seemingly surprised. Why else would I be answering his calls, engaging in witty banter and returning his texts? He did mention that I could call him too...that his phone rings also. I responded with feigned surprise, "Oh, it does? Okay, good to know".
I texted him the next day to wish him a Happy Valentine's Day...and he texted me the same back. Everything seemed on course...on course for what, I suppose, was the question. I called him 2 days later on my way home from work...got his voicemail and left him a message. And he never called me back. I began to question whether he got the message, if perhaps there was some technical difficulty with the phone service that I was unaware of, maybe I was in a dead zone on the turnpike and the call was dropped without me realizing it and I actually never did leave the message. As I reviewed these possbilities with a friend, he interrupted me and asked what movie I'd seen the other night. I didn't know why he was changing the subject mid- dating analysis...especially since I'd already told him what movie I'd seen...isn't he paying attention when I'm talking incessantly about myself? ...and I thought it was quite rude, actually, but I reminded him, "I saw 'He's Just Not That Into You'". Okay, my friend. Touche. But, that can't be the case here...he was texting and calling and talking about going out again. Clearly he was smitten with me...why would he not return my call? How could he suddenly just not be that into me? Impossible. "Something terrible must have happened to him", I reasoned.

Now, I am not the stalker type. I'm more of the "silent treatment" type. I'm the one who's going to disappear, to run away, to not respond...I maintain that control, that power. I was going to just let it go. I've had plenty of experience in the dating game, I know these things do happen. As unfathomable as it may seem, it is possble that a guy may not be interested in me. It's a crazy world. I let a few days pass, but I couldn't let it go. This one just wasn't adding up for me. He wasn't cocky, or obnoxious or a schmuck....he seemed sweet, sincere, honest. Did I mention that I am perhaps the worst judge of character on the planet? Just clueless.
Still, I thought there must be some misunderstandng. Maybe he thought I just wasn't that into him so he backed away...very far away. Maybe I intimidated him with my stunning beauty, challenging intellect and dazzling personality? After all, I am clearly a triple threat, apparently too much for the common man to handle. I suppose this is helping me weed them out, because I sure don't want a common man. It seems I am quite Darwinian. Or, maybe I scared him away with what sometimes unintentionally comes off as a sarcastic aloofness? I just couldn't figure it out. And I wanted answers. Dammit!
So, I decided to communicate the way I know best...I wrote him an email. When I was almost done composing it, I thought, "This is silly. I'm just going to give him a call!" So, in a bold, uncharactreistic move...I dialed his number. He didn't answer. It went to voicemail. I hung up. Damn. Okay, this guy really does not want to talk to me! Did I do something that I don't remember? Perhaps I drunk dialed him one night and told him I nicknamed him "Country Bumpkin" after our second date, and he took it the wrong way? I checked my call log. Nothing. So, still no explanation. And now I couldn't send the email. Two calls AND an email? Does that a stalker make? I thought it might be borderline. So I deleted the email and went to bed.
I confessed to my friend that I made the second unanswered call. He promptly forbade me (again) to make any more contact. Granted, at this stage in the game, I wasn't interested in dating the guy anymore....clearly, this bizarre behavior is not in line with the character of a man I want to date...I just wanted to know what happened. I wanted answers. And maybe, just a little bit, I wanted to give him a piece of my mind. So, the day after he dodged that second and final phone call, I composed and emailed the following:



"I was just compelled to write- even though you didn't return my call, for a reason that is unbeknownst to me. Don't worry, I'm not the stalking type (although maybe some would say that this very email does not support that claim! :). But, I can assure you, I won't be contacting you again, nor will I come to your house and re-arrange your furniture and throw away half of your things.
I just can not for the life of me understand why you didn't return my call. Maybe you decided that you didn't like me, maybe you fell in love with someone else during the week since I last saw you, went back with your ex, or thought I really was a swinging Lesbian?!? I don't know. I know from past and, I guess, present experience that I am not the best judge of character. But you seemed like such a sweet, genuine guy...I'm actually wondering if you got run over by a bus or dropped a weight on your foot, which is somehow preventing you from phone usage. But, I did see the movie last week, so I guess, as shocking as it may seem, you're "just not that into me"!
Well, I hope you're not in a full-body cast (which I'm assuming you must be) and that you actually are physically okay...and it would be great, and I'd really appreciate it, if you would just shoot me an email and tell me: "You're too short for me, your name is too long and I got sick of texting all those letters, I decided you're not my favorite Italian, I just came out of the closet so I'm not into women anymore".... Because, what kind of a man just disappears like that? Probably the kind who wouldn't reply to this email. I wish you the best."


He did not respond to my email. He must be dead.